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Far is Too Far?.
It should pretty much answer your question. This is a difficult question,
but I believe it's always better to err on the side of conservatism
than go too far and regret it later. If he's the one for you, eventually
you'll be able to do everything (after you're married). You'll never
regret being too conservative before marriage, but plenty of Christians
regret having gone too far.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been engaging
in pseudo-sexual behaviors. We are both Christians, so we know sex
out of relationship is a sin. I feel that what we have been doing is
sinful, since it is so close to having sex. However, he either doesn't
think so or is over came by lust. We have talked about the issue of "sin
by sexual thoughts" before,
but we still fall into the situations that I don't know how to satisfy
his desires. I know I shouldn't have let it happen the first time,
but now I don't know how to stop it. How would you deal with this
situation? I am a fairly conservative dresser (I don't even wear
shorts in public), so I don't think the matter is in my appearance.
I think the issue is in that I don't know how to make him realize
that we do is sin, how serious it is, and how I can put the message
in a way that won't hurt him?
For background information, he has a very solid foundation in the
Bible. He also has ENTJ type personality, which is known for their
ability to argue effectively and strong logic reasoning. I, on the
other hand, have been a Christian for a much shorter period of time
and am more introverted. Usually he convinces me instead of vice versa.
-- Linyi
A: Linyi,
You are in a difficult position, and I am praying that my advice will
be what God wants you to know. Regarding the "pseudo-sexual
behaviors," please read my article, "How
Far is too Far?" which
addresses the issue of premarital sex.
If
you are trying to pull back from what is going on and your boyfriend
is continuing to push it, that is a big "red flag." If
he doesn't respect you and is not willing to honor your boundaries
while you're dating, how do you think he will treat you when you are
married? I'm not just talking about sex, but about any aspect
of your relationship. Since I don't know what the two of you
are doing (and don't want to know), I can only go on what you have
told me, and that is that you believe what you two are doing is sin. If
that is the case, and he doesn't see it as sin also, that concerns
me. As a man, I know how strong the power of lust and sexual
desire can be, but I also know we have a choice as to how we respond.
I
suggest you tell him what you want to do about this and if he won't
honor your request, without complaining or making excuses, then break
it off. Joseph ran away when he was being tempted to do something
he knew would displease God, and he didn't even bother to grab his
coat. I suggest you do the same. If this man keeps pushing
you to do things you know are wrong, then he's not the man for you. A
true man of God will honor your requests and will not push you to do
things you know are sinful. In fact, a true man of God would
not be doing these things with you in the first place, or if he did
he would repent and ask you to forgive him for taking advantage of
you. That doesn't mean he won't be tempted, but his desire to
honor God and to honor and respect you will be stronger than his lust
and sexual desire. If your boyfriend won't do it, send him away
and wait for someone who will. Don't compromise and don't settle
for less than what God wants for you.
A word about your personality and his: This is a classic case of the dominant
man and submissive woman. If you're not careful, this guy will run all
over you and always get his way. Until you are married, you are not under
his authority and you DO NOT have to submit to him. Here some verses to
keep in mind as you think about how he treats you:
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the
interests of others." (Phil. 2:4)
"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1
Cor. 10:24)
Set your boundaries and stand your ground. Don't let him argue, reason,
debate, or do anything to make you change you mind. Ask God to give you
strength and to help you do this.
Q: I was told by another Christian man, that a true
Christian woman will not date but she will marry the first Christian
man who proposes. He says that this is what God wants us to do. If
we are equally yoked, then there is no reason why two Christians should
not just marry. He says that I am allowing my flesh to get in the way
if I do not agree.
Should I just marry a man because he is Christian and I am Christian.
Is this enough to keep me happy in a marriage? Should I just marry
a man because he says he loves God. What if I don't like his personality?
Is this my flesh getting into the way? Should I focus only on his love
for God?
PLEASE HELP! -- T.
A: Hello T,
What this "Christian man" is telling you is absolutely false! Don't
let him manipulate you. If you were my daughter I would tell you to stay
away from him, and if he won't leave you alone you should go to your pastor
and tell him what is going on. Who is he to tell you what God wants you
to do? You should spend time getting to know any man you're considering
for marriage and if your personalities don't go together or if you're not attracted
to him, you shouldn't marry him, because those things most likely won't improve
with time. This man sounds like someone who will want to dominate his wife
and control her by twisting the Bible around.
Yes, you should look at a man's love for God, but other factors are important
as well. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone,
you want to make sure that you are compatible and that you will enjoy being with
this person. The man you described scares me, because if he really believes
what he is telling you, who knows what else he might say or do.
Q: Hi! I have a question about a situation with a guy I
met at work, not online. Can I ask it here? Here's the situation: He
asked me out, and since he seemed like a nice guy I told him I'd go
out for coffee with him. When we got together I had a great time. He's
funny, intelligent and he's also handsome, and he wants to get together
again. The thing is, I don't know whether or not he's a Christian.
What should I do? Marie in Indy
A: Marie, of course you can ask that question here. :)
It's a great question and one that many single Christians will face
at some point. First of all, I want you to know that I appreciate the
fact that you're already thinking about where this guy is with the
Lord. I assume that's because you believe you should only date Christians,
and for that I commend you! (For more about Christians dating non-Christians,
please read Equally Yoked
Dating.) Here is my suggestion. If you haven't already agreed to
go out with him, wait for him to ask you and them just be honest with
him and tell him about your relationship with the Lord and then tell
him that it is important to you to be with someone who shares your
love for the Lord. Of course, do this in your own words in a way that
genuinely expresses your thoughts and feelings. If you have already
agreed to go out with him again, then you could do the same thing while
you're out with him, or you could talk with him before you go out.
I believe you should address this as soon as possible, before going
on any additional dates. The longer you wait, the more difficult it
becomes because you can begin to have "warm and fuzzy" feelings which
can interfere with good judgment. Be strong and don't compromise. God
wants you to have His best, not a consolation prize.
Q: I've been getting to know a great Christian woman
for about a month, and I think she could be the one. The problem is,
I have a sexually promiscuous past, and I don't know how to tell her
about it. What should I do? -- B. in Charleston
A: Thank you for sharing this. I had to deal with
the same situation myself. I found that the best thing to do was to
just be honest and tell her the truth. I wouldn't do it unless you're
pretty sure this relationship could move forward and you think she
feels the same way. But, I believe it's important to get it "out
there" before feelings begin to develop and then someone could
get hurt. I have found that most women are very understanding about
this and, in fact, many of them have similar issues. There are virgins
out there who desire to marry a fellow virgin, and that is great. But,
for many of us, that is not a possibility. God bless you, brother.
Q: I feel we have advanced too quickly.
We have only formally dated for 3 months. But already, he wants
to marry me. The problem is, I'm not ready. First of all, I am still
figuring my way out in life. Second of all, the even more important
factor is that I am not sure whether he is the one, either--and this
I am afraid to tell. I am not very comfortable with parts of his personality
(including the part on his views on sex). Maybe with time and love
I can overcome the imperfections of his, but now I am not ready. He
has successfully refuted all my reasons for not getting married early
but this one (which I can't tell). I don't know what to do. I feel
so pressured. How can I make him understand that I love him but I'm
not ready to make a commitment yet? -- Carrie in Rochester
A: Carrie, I agree that three months is
too quick to say you want to get married. I
believe an absolute minimum amount of time is one year before you make
a decision to marry someone. If your boyfriend is pressuring
you, that is a cause for concern. Why is he in such a hurry? If
you think things are moving too fast then they are, no matter what
he thinks or says. If he's not willing to honor your feelings
and make whatever adjustments you feel you need, then this is not the
guy for you. Tell him what you are comfortable with, and if he's
not willing to slow down and do what you ask, send him away. That
is not what God wants for you. Don't let him pressure you or
push you into doing anything you don't want to do.
Based on what you have told me, your boyfriend seems more concerned about himself
than about you, which is not what God wants for you. See the verses I gave
you earlier. Instead always trying to refute and argue, he should be listening
and doing whatever he can to honor your needs and requests. Read Philippians
2:4 and 1 Corinthians 10:24, and ask yourself is that's the way he treats you. Somewhere,
there's a man who will love you, serve you, listen to you, and put your needs
before his own. Don't settle for less than God's best!
Q: I met a guy online, and we've talked on the phone a
few times. He lives quite a distance away, and he wants me to come
visit him for our first meeting. He has offered to pay for my travel
expenses. What do you think? -- Lisa in Clearwater
A:
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